Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie

me: thank you for the word ‘just’

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af

Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.

Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did

2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un

1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept

Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.

Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?

Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.

There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

[going out]

other moms: have fun, be safe!

my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.

But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort