Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
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Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
tfw you realize …
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.