Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
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To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Put my back out twerking in the library again
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW