some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
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In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH