Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
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I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!