Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

What about second breakfast?

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.

A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.

Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?

Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

Skip intro

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.