“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
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If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
