“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
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Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Good morning ☺️
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.