“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
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I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Sure. Why not?
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
you’re damn right i have
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
no refunds
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?