“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
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It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
and now we wait
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.