Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
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My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
me when i see my girls butt
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”