Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
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If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us