Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
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Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”