Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

You know…for fall…

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself

Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?

Me : I’m kind of AMPED.

Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you

Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.

The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.

“That’s me in a nutshell.”

A peanut’s photo album.

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.

😸

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?