Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

4: I need my princess dress NOW!

Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!

4: Who are you talking to?

Me: Your servants

4: I don’t have servants

Me: Exactly

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.

my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

“Open your gift”

A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?

“You don’t like it?”

Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.

Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.