Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?

My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

Never mess with a drunken pig.

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?