Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
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Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
*with the intention of bragging
I just won $7 and a free play on my lottery tickets. Only cost me $36 to achieve this
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day