Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

One last time…

It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!

It’s that simple.

Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

#parenting

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t want a tip.

Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list

takes a bite

Removes it from my grocery list

Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.

The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”

Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

I’m famous people used to have talent years old.