Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
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If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
tinder is all about the long game
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner