Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.

I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.

Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

ME: I thought only old people got that

DOCTOR:

ME:

DOCTOR:

ME: Oh…

Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.