Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
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My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?