Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

[family WhatsApp group]

me: I’ll visit this weekend

dad: OK

mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…

mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.