Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review

ME: so what do you do for a living

HER: I work for a moving company

ME: where is it today?

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]

Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it

me: what drink ya got there?

11: a smoothie I made

me: oh. What’s in it??

11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.

me: and you won’t eat a tomato.

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…