Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.

2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.

2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!

Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

$4 #usedbooks

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.

Bad news: I’m not wearing them.

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights

You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?