Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
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Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…