Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
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Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I’m tired tomorrow.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I am absolutely never leaving this website
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.