Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
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Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Not even remotely sorry.
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Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.