Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!