Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
dogs can find happiness so easily
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
when a toddler tells a story
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
I gave up going to work for lent.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
My diet starts in January
of 2027
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?