Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
uh oh
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.