Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*

2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead

Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

“OMG, this is better than sex!”

-Me, snacking during sex

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.