Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
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4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.