Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
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“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.