Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
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My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Me trying to reach for my goals