Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
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Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
My work here is don’t.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.