Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grotesque if literal: baby food

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

step 6: release the wall snake

Me: Where’s Ken?

3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.

I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.