Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
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me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics