Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

“So how was your day today at work?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦‍♂️😳🤯😂

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.