Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

lot going on here, legally speaking.

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

Perfection.

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science

Me: that’s BS

6: boring stuff?

Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all

Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.

*uses falsetto voice*

MR. SMOOCHES!!

Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.