Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school

sumtimes i go 2 hard tho

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park

My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

I’m calling the cops.

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.