Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
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Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
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She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians