Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
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Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
analogies are so stupid
“the same boiling water that hardens the egg softens the potato” I’m not an egg or a potato and I don’t know how this applies to me. I’m just trying to get laid
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
