Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
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{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED