Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
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Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Leftovers are for quitters!
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.