Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
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her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
A decision was made here.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]