“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
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Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Going to the bank for a loan, so excited can’t even put my ski mask on
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.