“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
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Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.