Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
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If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
dude it’s called proctologist
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!