Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
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Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
Maths meets science
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
handsome & gretel