Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
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me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Still my favourite meme.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*