Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
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I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.