Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying*

*By a massive crocodile

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyonce.

*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*

1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].

Wife: omg he just took his first steps!

Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl