Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
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Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
#StillHurts
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?