Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

Dentist: You grind at night.

Me: Oh, game recognize game.

Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.

ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.

*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.