Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole

Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks

May you never lose your sense of wonder.

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.