Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
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Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure