Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”

*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.

When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed

me: just changing the oil

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car

Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

Friend: How long till school starts?

Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.

Godspeed, John Glenn

“How would you describe yourself.”

Me – I absolutely would not.

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.