Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
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No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought