Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?

She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

My mom texting me from an anime convention

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.