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yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there