Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks

“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”

——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex

“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”

– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV

Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.

*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.

I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty

Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?

J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]