Some of y’all tomorrow …
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TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something