Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
You Might Also Like
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
handsome & gretel
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?