Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
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I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
That’s not how days work.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
meanwhile over on facebook
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.