Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
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Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Finally
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Siri: Retweet me.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅