Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
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USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
he chose this
