Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
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Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Delete hinge and date that nice man who lives in his van down by the river
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.
I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.