Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
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[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.