Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
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I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.