Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…

The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday

Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉

Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?

That’s Twitter now.

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan

Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago

I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

also my go-to takeaway order

I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.

Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.

[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am