Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that

PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

TV Show Idea:

Speculation news.

A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.

Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out

guy: man this water is warm

extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.

Guys which shade of gery should I get

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?

I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.

[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.