Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
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My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
How to draw a duck
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.