Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
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If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.