Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
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Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
My five year plan is a meteorite
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.