Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
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me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
I get distracted pretty eas
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree