Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
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A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!